What the deuce is taking so long? (UK trials & tribulations)

Not that I’ve heard anyone utter that phrase, but I figured “bloody hell” might not be appropriate in a blog title.

Culture shock is a thing. Oddly enough, I didn’t experience it much during my first few weeks, but perhaps that’s because I’m used to being a tourist. Now that I’ve been in a foreign country for the longest span in my adult life (that’ll be two full months on Thursday), I’m forced to deal with the minutia of a different country.

Nothing shocking about that — except the shock and awe!

Sure, it’s weird being told I have an accent. And the food and beer might be different. But those things can be charming (and delicious!).

What’s less fun is the snail’s pace at which capitalism operates here. I mean, this is an island nation that could fit inside Texas and it gets the same degree of cellphone coverage as west Texas.

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Shouldn’t this whole place be glowing green like some kind of radioactive wasteland?!

Feel free to make your arguments about which side of the road is technically the “right” side, or how many words the letter “u” needs to be present in, or whether or not cheese is a dessert or an appetizer — BUT — one thing is for certain. USA reigns supreme when it comes to taking your money.

Here’s what I mean:

We found a place to live. Great! How soon can we move in?
Well, let’s see, today is the 6th of December. It’ll take a few days to draw up the application, run the proper checks and whatnot. But no one really wants to clean carpets or touch up paint over Christmas, so…
We’re living in a hotel with our dog and cat. They can paint with us in there. Seriously, how soon?
Well, if you’re in a hurry we can really speed things up and get you in on the 7th of January!

A rental agency in the US would get you in your house in a week, tops. Or, how’s this one:

Hi, Toyota dealership! We saw a car on your website that we’d like to buy. Let’s make it happen!
Well, I’ll have to check if that’s on the lot. Let me ask you some questions about the kind of car you want to buy.
Umm, this one. Here, look on my phone.
Well, I told you, I’d need to see if that’s here.
Can you…go do that, then?
Well, yes, but only if I can finish my questionnaire first.
Okay…
(later) Brilliant! We have the car.
Great! We’ll take it. Here’s a loan approval letter from a UK bank.
How does next week sound?
For what?
For buying the car.
We don’t own a car yet, I was hoping for sooner.
Well, then, how does *early* next week sound?

Yeah. The US would have you drive the car off the lot and the salesman would be treated to a steak dinner that very night.

Hi, I’m currently on a month-to-month plan for mobile phone service and I’d like to set up a yearly contract.
Well, you’d need a UK billing address first.
Okay, I’ll set that up. How about now?
Well, you need a UK credit card.
I use my US card for the month-to-month…
Right. That doesn’t matter. You need a UK card for this.
Okay, can I get a UK credit card?
No. You have no credit history in the UK. In fact, you’ll need to sign for all your purchases every time you use a US credit card (but no one else has to do that so don’t expect anyone to have a pen or even know what’s happening!) and if you go to Costco, be prepared to bring a suitcase full of money.
Okay, I guess I’ll just keep paying month-to-month like a drug dealer. Thanks!

If you think a US phone company would let you out of their doors without a phone contract, internet, and cable TV, then you’ve never seen true capitalism at work.

The reason I’m writing (whining) about this is twofold. One, I just finally got internet!

Hi, I’d like to give you money. i can haz nternets, plz?
You’re in luck! We’ll get you set up in two weeks!
Lulz

And two, because all my stuff we shipped from the US on November 14th still isn’t here yet. Well, that’s not entirely true. My household goods are in this country, I’m told, but customs isn’t ready to release them to us yet. Instead I get to answer questions like, “Does the pancake mix listed on your inventory contain dried eggs or dairy?”

Here’s an email I received yesterday, verbatim:

Customs have come back to us and they have asked: All seeds- Are these for planting or eating?
Hello, The seeds are excess gardening (planting seeds). There are not very many and I’m not even sure we’d use them. But we’d be willing to eat, plant, or burn them if we can get our household goods faster! Thanks for your help.

And that was literally my response, which probably means I have another month before I’m neck-deep in cardboard.

Okay, that’s it. Rant over. And yes, I realize I’m complaining about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that parallel-universe me would kill this-universe me for.

But that’s what blogging’s for, right? Thanks for letting me vent. Now to end it on a positive. If there’s one area that the UK crushes the US on, it’s the prevalence of puns. They’re everywhere. This was on my neighborhood walk:


Thanks for reading! What do YOU think? Feel my pain? Or am I a spoiled American?

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An American Writer in England

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So…guess what? I’m living in England. Oh, the blog title gave it away? Bloody hell.

I wish I could have blogged about my “Brentrance” a long time ago, but it was a real hustle just to release my fourth book before leaving the country.

I’ve now been in the United Kingdom for two weeks now, but just getting here has been such an ordeal that I feel like I’m only finally able to catch my breath. A book launch is my busiest part of the year, and that was on top of all the logistics of uprooting my life and preparing to replant it half a world away.

Not that I’m unfamiliar with the life of a wandering troubadour. I’ve moved fairly often over the last three decades; growing up as an Army brat before joining the Air Force myself and ultimately ending up as an Air Force spouse (that’s how this whole thing came about, my wife’s job). All told, if I’m counting correctly, this is my thirteenth move.

But moving countries was a whole other experience entirely.

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Photo by Kristi Celaya, who recently started blogging about her own UK journey and inspired me to get back to blogging. Read her awesome blog. 

I think I could probably start my own country with less paperwork than it took to move to the United Kingdom. The worst bit was probably bringing our pets with us. Fortunately, we were able to avoid quarantine, but the bureaucratic minefield leading up to it bordered on the absurd (and absurdly expensive — Merry Christmas, sweetie! I got you our cat and our dog this year).

I could bore you with the red tape details, but that’s not the interesting or important part, is it? The point is — we made it! We’re all here and we’re here for three years. And during that time, I’ll try to be better about blogging. After all, this is the experience of a lifetime! I’ll still be writing my books over here, of course, and I’m still working on my ultra-nerdy screenplay project, but now I get to try and set up author events in this part of the world too. I’m so incredibly excited to live here that I can barely put it into words.

In the next few days and weeks I’ll talk about the cultural differences, meeting new friends, finding a place to live, and of course — travelling.

I hope you’ll follow me on my journey!


 

Thanks for reading! What do YOU think? Surprised? Excited? ME TOO!

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